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The Costco pharmacy area is one of my favorite places to walk around and window-shop. Need 2,000 Aleve? Got U. Need fourteen boxes of Sensodyne? Yep. A year’s worth of allergy meds? $10 and you’re good to go.

But the real fun is the supplements, which always lead me down a path where I imagine an optimized version of myself: mentally sharp, bubbling over with testosterone, able to sleep at the moment I want to and stay alert every minute of every day. My numbered B vitamins will ensure that I’m perpetually well-adjusted, my cortisol levels will be non-existent and I’ll have the vitamin D of Icarus.

My digestive tract will be augmented by 200 billion probiotic friends maximizing my digestion potential. My joints will be so lubricated that I’ll be able to massage my own back. I’ll have washboard abs and the fat levels of a teenaged track star. I’ll be gluten free, dairy free and will radiate ketones from every orifice. Bones like steel. Muscles like engine belts. Prostate perfectly sized. Healthy nails. Immunity to all illness. Devoid of oxidants. Skin supple and soft. Perfect eyesight. Full hair, but only where I want it.

X-ray vision. Able to hear colors. Better taste in music. Able to remember the names of someone I just met (let’s not get crazy).

Full-spectrum mushrooms.

Fish oil, but with no fishy taste.

Ginger root. Ashwagandha. KSM-66.

And the best part is, it’s all in gummy form so you never have to taste anything.

Here’s the catch: no one knows whether any of this shit works.

According to my extensive research* the FDA doesn’t regulate any supplements because they consider them “foods” and not drugs. The onus, apparently, is on the manufacturer to ensure that the product is labeled safely and accurately, and the feds will only intervene is it’s misbranded or adulterated. Which is… crazy.

Whatever the legal aspects of how these products are sold, they’re marketed as having all kinds of positive effects. They often use the word “supports,” (e.g., “supports a healthy stress response”) which carries a heavy load since it doesn’t really mean anything. And besides, they asterisk it away by saying “actually, we don’t promise anything and no one is checking on us.”

By my search, Costco alone sells 150+ varieties of supplements, and it’s just nutso to me that these are unregulated. I’d love to pop a Focus Factor and think more clearly or an Ab Cuts and have washboard abs, but literally no one can seem to agree if any of this stuff works or even does anything. That it’s unlikely to kill me is of at least some comfort… but not a lot.

So, yeah, FDA — I think it’s time you walk into a Costco and do your job.

* I asked Copilot. This is not medical advice. Or any kind of advice.